Depression and its Effects

I think my depression began when I was molested at 4 years old. That was the first time I thought of suicide as a way to end the pain. My dad was scary when he was mad. I thought if I told mom or, him about what had happened he would kill that man. My beloved daddy would go to prison. Myself being in pain was much better than living without my daddy My mama hated me and was mean to me when he was at work. My older sister was the queen bee. Her clothes came from the best shops and had to be dry cleaned. On the other hand, mine came from thrift shops or, were her hand me downs. She had her own mental issues. I loved her very much and, feel sadness that in her time they could not help her.  We are still in baby steps when it comes to mental health. There are many myths out there to this day. We need more honest talk about it.

It is like  a sneaky fog that slowly takes over your thoughts and life. On moment you are fine, then something dark and cold comes,  into your head. You feel out-of-place and stupid suddenly. You are standing alone with no one to talk to, and you think ,I wish I was dead. That is the answer that runs through your head when you reach the bottom.

Many times that would be my go to answer when I hit the bottom. At 16 I married because, he tricked me into playing like the husband I wanted. I would tell my husband over 18 years that I needed professional help. I thought I had escaped constant insults at home. But I was wrong, he changed the day after we married and came home from our honeymoon.

I could not do any thing right: dress,hair, clothes, makeup, cooking, cleaning and playing cards. Everyday a part of me ran away in my head. Then the depression would come. I did not want to get out of bed at the worse times. Going to talk to 3 different professions over the years. Being sent by my request to our hospital psychology floor. They were not good but, I survived thinking about trying suicide.

The doctors decided I had what is known as winter depression due to lack of sunshine. It does get worse in the winter but I deal with it daily. Only those of us that battle depression understands what it is like.


Decades 10-20 page 2

In my teen years 13 -16 I began to share the things I saw about people by pretending I was reading it in a deck of cards.  I did not want anyone to think I was crazy. I did not understand why I could see events for others but, not for myself.After I married at 16 I did not talk about this ability to my husband.
To this day I do not know why he wanted to be married. He came and went as he wanted. He traveled with his job. My son and I became close because we were left alone so much. Money was in short supply. We would have to go to big conventions in major cities. The first one was in Dallas, Texas. My sister loaned me clothes to wear. Once again I was self conscious about clothes. I was 16 and the other wives were women with children. I did not have any thing in common with them. It would be years before, I realized why they were bitchy, they were jealous. All I knew was that I did not fit in again. In my eyes it was my fault because, I was beginning to feel very stupid.
Due to our age difference he was 22 years old and he would joke about it. He would say ” marry them young and raise them right”. He thought he was being witty. I would be embarrassed but did not know what to say. All his cruel jokes were put downs. Another one was, when I reached 40 he would trade me in for two 20’s.  I accepted his behavior as normal. I felt trapped and alone. There was not a support system that I could go to. I had my son to think about. It would be years before I knew I had to get away.Since I only had an eight grade education I decided to go back to night school for my GED. That is the same as a high school diploma. That really made me feel good about myself. I really wanted to go to college. Teaching was my passion. I would teach the children in my large family. My family did not like him due to his rude behavior around them. At family events he would read a book and would only stop to eat.
He was about 40 pounds over weight and I weighed about 103 pounds. If I gained more than 2 pounds he would hound me to lose it. I lived on 900 calories a day for 18 years. I was a petite size 2. He would cook lavish meals but I was supposed to only taste. This would be the cause of many fights over the years. My favorite was pizza but I could eat only 1 piece. Why did I put up with him? Fear of the unknown. My whole life had been ruled by fear.
I was so ashamed of having the twins at 15 years old. It hurt my daddy and he felt shame too. I would punish myself for many years because of the twins. I hated myself and could not bear to look into a mirror. Ugly was all I saw. My mother’s and older sister’s teasing was why I had gotten pregnant. It was stupid and childish. I married to get out of my home.
In my dreams my life was going to be really great.

Decades: 1 to 10

My earliest memory is at about 3 years old. I can remember the house  we lived in and the yard. My dad was working on his car and I reached up and touched the battery and of course I screamed. I had battery acid on my fingers. My daddy became very angry at me. I felt fear of him for the first time. Fear of his anger would shape who I became. After that I was the family fixer to any problem that came up or, I was the one to calm my daddy down. He did not hit us but his anger was terrifying to see.

I have 5 sisters and because of his short fuse we could never talk to him about any thing that was important. We knew we would be blamed in some way. Daddy’s are very important role models for their daughters and sons.

I was sexually abused the first time when I was 4 years old. I was afraid to tell anyone because, like most victims I thought I was a bad girl. I went into the bathroom and tried to kill myself. Some dry cleaning had arrived and it was covered in plastic. I placed it around my head and face and tried to smother myself. That abuser should have killed me.  It was many years before I could comfort that little girl inside of me.  At age 5 years old I had 2 uncles by marriage that abused me. By now I thought it was normal behavior to expect from a male person.  By now I hated being alive. I lived in hell on earth because, my mother hated me and ran me down to myself and others.

At the age of 6 years old I discovered the library with tons of wonderful books. They became my new world with perfect people who were happy. I could escape to other planets and time travel. For the next 4 years I would go to the library every day during the summer. I became a nerd. My mother would tell me I had to be smart because I was ugly. I really thought I was until I turned 50 years old.

I had 4 younger sisters that I was always watching or changing their diapers. Our back yard was fenced in and we could play there while I was reading. Each new baby that came home needed around the clock care.  I had to take over the care of the older one now.  I tell everyone I became a parent at the age of 5 which I did. I had a very short childhood.

Once I started school I fell in love with learning. At school I could get the acceptance and approval that I could not get at home. I became a great student. I wanted everyone to like me. I was always ready to help anyone. I thought if I was helpful to someone they became my friend. I really needed friends.

The year I turned 10 years old was the worst year to come. President Kennedy was killed then my grandfather and uncle died. I thought all the daddies of the world was dying. My mother went into full-blown depression. She never really recovered.  So, now we lost our mother for advise and we never had daddy for advice.  Now there were 5 girls raising their selves. To say it sucked would be putting it mildly. By now I just wanted to run far away.