Decades: 1 to 10

My earliest memory is at about 3 years old. I can remember the house  we lived in and the yard. My dad was working on his car and I reached up and touched the battery and of course I screamed. I had battery acid on my fingers. My daddy became very angry at me. I felt fear of him for the first time. Fear of his anger would shape who I became. After that I was the family fixer to any problem that came up or, I was the one to calm my daddy down. He did not hit us but his anger was terrifying to see.

I have 5 sisters and because of his short fuse we could never talk to him about any thing that was important. We knew we would be blamed in some way. Daddy’s are very important role models for their daughters and sons.

I was sexually abused the first time when I was 4 years old. I was afraid to tell anyone because, like most victims I thought I was a bad girl. I went into the bathroom and tried to kill myself. Some dry cleaning had arrived and it was covered in plastic. I placed it around my head and face and tried to smother myself. That abuser should have killed me.  It was many years before I could comfort that little girl inside of me.  At age 5 years old I had 2 uncles by marriage that abused me. By now I thought it was normal behavior to expect from a male person.  By now I hated being alive. I lived in hell on earth because, my mother hated me and ran me down to myself and others.

At the age of 6 years old I discovered the library with tons of wonderful books. They became my new world with perfect people who were happy. I could escape to other planets and time travel. For the next 4 years I would go to the library every day during the summer. I became a nerd. My mother would tell me I had to be smart because I was ugly. I really thought I was until I turned 50 years old.

I had 4 younger sisters that I was always watching or changing their diapers. Our back yard was fenced in and we could play there while I was reading. Each new baby that came home needed around the clock care.  I had to take over the care of the older one now.  I tell everyone I became a parent at the age of 5 which I did. I had a very short childhood.

Once I started school I fell in love with learning. At school I could get the acceptance and approval that I could not get at home. I became a great student. I wanted everyone to like me. I was always ready to help anyone. I thought if I was helpful to someone they became my friend. I really needed friends.

The year I turned 10 years old was the worst year to come. President Kennedy was killed then my grandfather and uncle died. I thought all the daddies of the world was dying. My mother went into full-blown depression. She never really recovered.  So, now we lost our mother for advise and we never had daddy for advice.  Now there were 5 girls raising their selves. To say it sucked would be putting it mildly. By now I just wanted to run far away.

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