Depression and its Effects

I think my depression began when I was molested at 4 years old. That was the first time I thought of suicide as a way to end the pain. My dad was scary when he was mad. I thought if I told mom or, him about what had happened he would kill that man. My beloved daddy would go to prison. Myself being in pain was much better than living without my daddy My mama hated me and was mean to me when he was at work. My older sister was the queen bee. Her clothes came from the best shops and had to be dry cleaned. On the other hand, mine came from thrift shops or, were her hand me downs. She had her own mental issues. I loved her very much and, feel sadness that in her time they could not help her.  We are still in baby steps when it comes to mental health. There are many myths out there to this day. We need more honest talk about it.

It is like  a sneaky fog that slowly takes over your thoughts and life. On moment you are fine, then something dark and cold comes,  into your head. You feel out-of-place and stupid suddenly. You are standing alone with no one to talk to, and you think ,I wish I was dead. That is the answer that runs through your head when you reach the bottom.

Many times that would be my go to answer when I hit the bottom. At 16 I married because, he tricked me into playing like the husband I wanted. I would tell my husband over 18 years that I needed professional help. I thought I had escaped constant insults at home. But I was wrong, he changed the day after we married and came home from our honeymoon.

I could not do any thing right: dress,hair, clothes, makeup, cooking, cleaning and playing cards. Everyday a part of me ran away in my head. Then the depression would come. I did not want to get out of bed at the worse times. Going to talk to 3 different professions over the years. Being sent by my request to our hospital psychology floor. They were not good but, I survived thinking about trying suicide.

The doctors decided I had what is known as winter depression due to lack of sunshine. It does get worse in the winter but I deal with it daily. Only those of us that battle depression understands what it is like.


Decades: 30-40

Turning 30 was a big deal for me. I had been married half my life almost. It  was about this time I began to get the insults/compliments from my husband. It was confusing, as even my best friend picked up on it during a party. For example something like… that dress is nice, but you need to lose weight ( I weighed 118 lbs) or, I love your roast but, you added to much whatever.

When he quit working in 1978 I took a job as a cocktail waitress in a private club. I prayed for a job, and God sent my friend to see me, and tell me that her boyfriend needed waitress’. She thought of me as we were close and she knew I had training and was fast. With no professional training, and I was to short for factory work, it was all I could take. God really does have a sense of humor and always has a plan. Lessons to be learned. Lessons to teach. At time He uses us to be an angel for someone. We may not even know when, we are doing something for Him.

The night I went to work for the first time. I parked the car and prayed. I remember some of it: I was walking into hell as far as I was concerned The smell of liquor made me have flashbacks of, being scared and molested..My husband was an alcoholic for Pete’s sake.I told God how I felt and, asked Him to protect me. Walking into that dark club is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had been a food waitress not drinks! I was very frighten.

The manager placed me in the front section ,one of the best. . I had a hard night I did not know anything about drinks. I ran my feet off in 5 inch heels. One customer, part of a couple, had ordered screwdrivers for her, and he wanted a coke high. To me that meant a tall coke. Now he stopped me several times during the night and said” I know it is your first night but, I am not feeling anything” of, course, I thought he was joking. So, I would say maybe “oh, you should be falling down by now” or something similar. Even his wife started to tease him about stepping on her toes while dancing.At 3:00a.m. the club closed. As I was collecting money for their drinks everyone was very nice. I was getting great tips. I went to the coke high couple with their tab and when I told him the total he said”no that is wrong, we drank more than that.” I counted the drinks and said   “no 10 drinks.. 5 screwdrivers  “, and before I could say it he interrupted me. “Paula what have I been drinking tonight?” I said”tall cokes sir”. His wife let out a war-whoop and started laughing. ” Just look at the fun you had sober honey”. She looked at me and said   “here honey” as she handed me a 20 dollar bill.. ” You are the greatest waitress we ever had, thank you for a great night”. Maybe God used me that night to help a man see he could be sober with his wife. I just thought of that as, I wrote the story out. Strange. On the way out the door they told the manager what a great time they had.  The 3 were friends but, I did not know that.

Once all the employees were in the office the manager  told us the total for the night. It had been a great night. He then told us  what  we owed the club Once I had paid him the head bartender spoke up “count your tips you owe the bar 10%”. I was almost in shock because, I did not share tips nor, told anyone what they were.. I asked the manager and he said “she is right…they wait on you girls first”. Not for me had she but, OK. I counted it and it was $598.75. The manager said “did you turn in all your tickets?” “Of course, you have the tape”. The bartender said” that is impossible”. “not for me” I told her. Then I told them the coke high story and the manager said” that is a salesman all of you need to learn from her”. And I  said, ” they tipped me $40.00 ” and laughed. God had given me the rent money that night. No one had ever made that much in one night. All were jealous.  That job lasted 3 months. Even the manager agreed it was best if I left. The next night I was at work at the hottest club in town. My husband’ cousin signed the members in. She called me to say I had the job that night. I see my husband’s hands in this now.My years of hindsight must be kicking in. He could stay in and drink or run around. I would not know about the nights my 10 year son was left in charge of his sister.

That summer we were working on our marriage. He was to move out in September but, half way through the month his dad died. We had to fly to OR and were gone 2 weeks.  I lost my job. It took a month to find work in a new club called the Relay Station. I was there 1 and half years…. the start of disco and the end of it in the Relay Station. Then country western came in. The owners wanted me to be manager. I did not want those headaches. By then I worked the 3 busy nights and was home with my kids the other nights. Everyone wanted me because, I was a Christian and was honest. Stealing is very easy in the bar business. I thought like a business person because, my dad had his own business. It was not money to me it is just paper that belongs to you. Once I get my money that is different then it is real to me.

The Relay Station crew as we were known became great friends. We partied at each others house  and gave birthday parties for our children. Each time we became closer. I had discovered ladies drinks. Now people pay $10.00 for them now while eating out.  Pot was a mind blower for me, my body physically and emotionally   was out of pain. For the first time in my life  my body was not hurting. It felt great to be alive. It was the first time I drank and did pot.

About July 1978 I was at a party at my husband’s cousin. They decided to go skinning dipping…not me. I went upstairs to visit a co-worker . She did not want company and was clear about it. I turned and told her ” I am going to tell you something about what I can do.” I had not used the gift since my teen years. For some reason God wanted me to help her. She looked at me and said ” like what.” I told her” I could see her life or, something she needed to know. ” “how do you do it” she questioned. “I don’t know if it is a gift from God or a curse.” I was still struggling with the gift as I called it then.  At that time I did not know that she dabbled in witch craft. She was a loner. But God had told me to be her friend. She had never had one. Her family life was a mess. The first thing I said to her was that we were going to be friends. She was not sure about that.
She sat down opposite of me on the floor. I said,” I can use cards if it is easier for you but, I just know or see events.” After the reading she had tears in her eyes. I saw her past, future, and was telepathic with her. She was my best friend for 21 years more like a sister. She had 3 children that no one knew about which I saw. I also saw a child for her in the future. Over the years I gave her many readings as I called them. I am not a psychic  I am a mystic. There is a big difference as I wait for God to send me someone. I do not charge money either. I work for God. She is now married with the child I saw and a very strong Christian. All I saw for her came true it just took time. She laughed that night about the future as she did not believe it.

Over the next 10 years I would give many readings. Some of the people were famous but most were not. They lived all over the world. One was an ambassador and, he told me a psychic in Paris, France had told him he would meet me and my name. He had family problems that I helped him with.  Later he brought others to see me.  I was always glad to help some one.

I will write more about this decade on page 2.

Decades: 1-10 page 2

I did not feel loved except by my sisters, , and aunt Neva. My teachers loved me. I wanted my mom to love me, what was so bad about me? She made it very clear that I was not wanted. One hot summer day after bringing me to tears I ran outside. I threw my self on to the grass. With tears running down my muddy face I asked the sky “was there anyone out there that loves me”? I heard a voice say ” I do, I love you”. A calm over me and I knew that voice was from heaven. I had been thinking of different ways to kill myself. This world did not seem important any more. That seems a strange thing to say but, it was more like I was part of something larger. The world became larger to me.
the strange things that happened to me I did not talk about.

Decades 10-20 page 2

In my teen years 13 -16 I began to share the things I saw about people by pretending I was reading it in a deck of cards.  I did not want anyone to think I was crazy. I did not understand why I could see events for others but, not for myself.After I married at 16 I did not talk about this ability to my husband.
To this day I do not know why he wanted to be married. He came and went as he wanted. He traveled with his job. My son and I became close because we were left alone so much. Money was in short supply. We would have to go to big conventions in major cities. The first one was in Dallas, Texas. My sister loaned me clothes to wear. Once again I was self conscious about clothes. I was 16 and the other wives were women with children. I did not have any thing in common with them. It would be years before, I realized why they were bitchy, they were jealous. All I knew was that I did not fit in again. In my eyes it was my fault because, I was beginning to feel very stupid.
Due to our age difference he was 22 years old and he would joke about it. He would say ” marry them young and raise them right”. He thought he was being witty. I would be embarrassed but did not know what to say. All his cruel jokes were put downs. Another one was, when I reached 40 he would trade me in for two 20’s.  I accepted his behavior as normal. I felt trapped and alone. There was not a support system that I could go to. I had my son to think about. It would be years before I knew I had to get away.Since I only had an eight grade education I decided to go back to night school for my GED. That is the same as a high school diploma. That really made me feel good about myself. I really wanted to go to college. Teaching was my passion. I would teach the children in my large family. My family did not like him due to his rude behavior around them. At family events he would read a book and would only stop to eat.
He was about 40 pounds over weight and I weighed about 103 pounds. If I gained more than 2 pounds he would hound me to lose it. I lived on 900 calories a day for 18 years. I was a petite size 2. He would cook lavish meals but I was supposed to only taste. This would be the cause of many fights over the years. My favorite was pizza but I could eat only 1 piece. Why did I put up with him? Fear of the unknown. My whole life had been ruled by fear.
I was so ashamed of having the twins at 15 years old. It hurt my daddy and he felt shame too. I would punish myself for many years because of the twins. I hated myself and could not bear to look into a mirror. Ugly was all I saw. My mother’s and older sister’s teasing was why I had gotten pregnant. It was stupid and childish. I married to get out of my home.
In my dreams my life was going to be really great.

Decades: 1 to 10

My earliest memory is at about 3 years old. I can remember the house  we lived in and the yard. My dad was working on his car and I reached up and touched the battery and of course I screamed. I had battery acid on my fingers. My daddy became very angry at me. I felt fear of him for the first time. Fear of his anger would shape who I became. After that I was the family fixer to any problem that came up or, I was the one to calm my daddy down. He did not hit us but his anger was terrifying to see.

I have 5 sisters and because of his short fuse we could never talk to him about any thing that was important. We knew we would be blamed in some way. Daddy’s are very important role models for their daughters and sons.

I was sexually abused the first time when I was 4 years old. I was afraid to tell anyone because, like most victims I thought I was a bad girl. I went into the bathroom and tried to kill myself. Some dry cleaning had arrived and it was covered in plastic. I placed it around my head and face and tried to smother myself. That abuser should have killed me.  It was many years before I could comfort that little girl inside of me.  At age 5 years old I had 2 uncles by marriage that abused me. By now I thought it was normal behavior to expect from a male person.  By now I hated being alive. I lived in hell on earth because, my mother hated me and ran me down to myself and others.

At the age of 6 years old I discovered the library with tons of wonderful books. They became my new world with perfect people who were happy. I could escape to other planets and time travel. For the next 4 years I would go to the library every day during the summer. I became a nerd. My mother would tell me I had to be smart because I was ugly. I really thought I was until I turned 50 years old.

I had 4 younger sisters that I was always watching or changing their diapers. Our back yard was fenced in and we could play there while I was reading. Each new baby that came home needed around the clock care.  I had to take over the care of the older one now.  I tell everyone I became a parent at the age of 5 which I did. I had a very short childhood.

Once I started school I fell in love with learning. At school I could get the acceptance and approval that I could not get at home. I became a great student. I wanted everyone to like me. I was always ready to help anyone. I thought if I was helpful to someone they became my friend. I really needed friends.

The year I turned 10 years old was the worst year to come. President Kennedy was killed then my grandfather and uncle died. I thought all the daddies of the world was dying. My mother went into full-blown depression. She never really recovered.  So, now we lost our mother for advise and we never had daddy for advice.  Now there were 5 girls raising their selves. To say it sucked would be putting it mildly. By now I just wanted to run far away.